Bittersweet

Dear Aunt Alice,

These days, I alternate between longing for my loved ones back home and dreading the day on which I’ll say goodbye to my friends here. Today (Thursday, May 12, 2011), as I write this, my emotions are continually alternating between the two.

One of my pupils wanted me to explain to her why we pray when God is sovereign and already knows what will happen (have to admit – I borrowed my answer from a few of my SBTS professors and I hope that I did them justice!), I visited with one of my Zambian friends for awhile and I had a chance to stop and marvel at the glorious stars against a completely black sky. All in all, it was a good day.

But, at the same time, I miss my friends and family back home. I’m starting to really look forward to the day when I can see them again, catch up on all the life I’ve missed out on (weddings, babies, etc.) and try to put into words the life that I’ve lived here in Zambia. I’m getting excited about returning to school and heading back to a city that I love.

I’ve learned much in my time here (more than I believe I’ll ever be able to share), but the thing that sticks with me the most is learning to totally rely on God alone. I most certainly haven’t mastered the concept, but I can say with honesty that He’s the only one I have here to turn to with most of my frustrations and concerns (I guess I’m not supposed to admit that I, a missionary, have frustrations and concerns, but I’m being vulnerable and admitting that I do!).

My prayer for today is that I will be able to voice Psalm 73:25-26 with all honesty, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”